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[02 Apr 2005|02:05pm] |
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why is a raven like a writing desk? fell down a rabbit hole of monotony and greenery where i'd wonder the winding path to get to the cold wood awaiting me. foreign voices filled my head with talk of cartesian nothing and sicietal pathology ironically reprodicing in front of our very eyes. this so-called metropolis, riddled with the monocromatic holds my hand as i try to drown the quiet out with portable technology. decision peeks and my escape route is planned to the sign on the hills that could hold all my dreams with promise. i have the fear that i will drown in the serene after my heels get stuck in the grass. one more look for the bizarre and the compliment might fade into insecurity. so here i stand two roads in the wood, i chose my path, i need to hold on until i can see the stars as brightly as in my dreams.
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[23 Feb 2005|06:02pm] |
ok ok i admit it, im sick. everyone's go the flu, and inevitably apparently i do as well. im dyin to do yoga or something but im afraid ill pass out and b in bed for days, stranding me in irivne ( a fate id rather not suffer). i've got a craving for performance, gotta remedy that. good valentine's day all in all. sushi, flowers, beautiful song, and my ipod thingy that plays my ipod in my car speakers (yikes im soo psyched for that one!). planning a disneyland trip for matty at moi as a makeup for a somewhat muddled anniversary. o here's my vay bouquet, gorgeous no?
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[13 Feb 2005|11:09pm] |
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it's been a very long time since i've LJ'd. although i find that i have very little reason to keep these up anymore, not that things have slowed down for me in any way but still. right now i'm currently apartment hunting for summer for matty and i. i keep fantasizing about this gorgeous building he found, im not exaggerating these apartments are the Plaza of apartments...they're unbelievably lavish and gorgeous. we're not sure if we'd rather find soemthing more reasonable and save some money for future prospects...so who knows where we'll go. we really want ocean views tho so santa monica is looking grand. personally im jsut excited to decorate everything, i mean it's gonna be GORGEOUS. but this is all up in the air since i need to make money. i have an interview with M.A.C. cosmetics to be a makeup artist for them down in newport. but my new dream is to be a disney princess but i just missed auditions on the last weekend of jan. soooo i gotta wait til april. haha im so serious i think this would b fun! can u imagine? ok im recovering from my weekend and im getting sick. got a flyer today about the Chaminade play. cant wait i miss paula despereately and all my nade friends as well (i hope ur all hangin on without us) teehee. matty and i attempted disneyland for the 6 month anniversary(can u believe its already 6 months officially, i mean honestly we've been together sooo long but i mean i remember when we'd been togetehr for 7 months and we started over with the count cuz we made it official, so really its a year and a month but who's counting) on sat. but we ended up talkin all through friday night until 11am so we postponed the happy trip. tomorrow is vday and i hope matty has some suprises for me, im kinda in need of them. im getting sick for sure. ouch to the throat and nasty cough. im just aiming to stay out of the hospital for a week. out to wig shop tomorrow. i have a craving for the pink wig in "closer". love to all.
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| a tune to live by... |
[22 Jan 2005|08:45pm] |
I think Damien Rice says it best...
I've got so much beauty around me I can't move
I've got so much beauty around me I can't loose
I've got so much beauty around me I can't choose
I've got so much beauty around me, around you
four days in irvine with him. the routine and laundry felt warm and comfortable.
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[12 Jan 2005|12:06pm] |
5 months pour monsieur LeBrun et moi! c'est magnifique, n'est pas?
so i reach into the depths of that little yellow lyrc book i keep....all the way back to when this started, for real, in the beginning it was august.
looking back it all seems so wrong,
all that pain, all those tears,
all for you but hardly to notice,
not to be bothered by reality or was it just mine?
so you devised a disappearing act
i swear i would have let you go,
too tired to hold you disgusted in my embrace,
i swear i didn't mean to, blind you
with sand or suffocate you in the sheets.
something in the stars that night
stold breath from my mouth to your ears.
no dirty tricks, just a three-worded heart
that was breaking beyond repair,
and so i knew and cried that night, to learn to let you go
i htought i saw the words behind the look i'd seen so often lately,
so just jump, from that balcony, we got a second-chance.
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| and so it is...just like you said it would be. |
[09 Jan 2005|09:51pm] |
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okay so for those of you who are sick of my love entries, skip this, or rather read on to know that the reason most of my updates are about him, or us rather, is that that's what im emotional about and therefore that's what my stupid emo journal is for. so mammoth happened annually as predicted, although the change on the menu was no parents...atleast not after the first night. that house is way too big and scary at night but ill get into that a little later. the little girls got themselves into thiry year-old trouble lurking behind the shower door. o michael how smart you were with your prediction. hillarious. i know i promised matty that my life with friends was scripted, and so i was proven correct. as i said the house was big big so we all spread out into our own little rooms, but matty's and i's had a bad vibe so like the hippie i am i had to leave it for the night. he was so good to come wiht me downstairs and talk the night away until 7 AM about everything and nothing. watched america's sweethearts twice, but really didnt watch at all i suppose. woke up wondering how i'd live the rest of my life without the use of my right arm, or an equally frightning and similar experience, without matt. cant survive, no arm, cant survive, no matt. drunk sometimes. actualy got matty singing showtunes like the closetted theatre kid that i am. i think he was singing a variation of "so long, farewell" from The Sound Of Music, but i wont go into too much embarassing detail. michael as usual scared the locals with his vibrant-self. thought i would freeze to death on multiple occasions, actually pondered who would attend my funeral and who would simply send something just to be polite. last night up there was hell, but had a purpose. my eyes were very very swollen as were matty's but i've never felt more loved and scared all at the same time by morning. milliions of dvd's later we're on our way back from never never land. many episodes of sex and the city were watched after a fabulous dinner he cooked for me a few nights back. always so sad to leave, always waiting until the last possible moment. intense and beautiful conversation and future fantasy. meant the world to me. was back again to see him pack up after id packed my life (acutally only half, i've begun to downsize) into suitcases and loaded them up for the drive tomorrow. felt the tears welling up as i held him goodbye, thinkin of our talk of that intesity, and how a squeeze, no matter how long and hard, will never be enough to quench it. felt so silly as rain and tears spilled down my face as i left. i kno nothing's going to change, im just a selfish little girl who misses my close-distance relationship when im away at school. and so the thing i have to look forward to now is more nights in eachother's little tiny beds and the thought of a future with one great big one.
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[06 Jan 2005|09:41pm] |
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all's well. back from mammoth. winter wonderland pictures to come. we conquered matty in mammoth, i caught him singing showtunes. forced matty to see phantom today, plus romantique, n'est pas? simultaneous conclusion: dangerously in love, o yes both of us. on the search for legitimacy and a future...can't wait.
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[26 Dec 2004|07:20pm] |
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this whole life started a year ago today, in a dark room with screaming music, at the whiskey a-go-go. look how far we've come. look how far we're going. i love you. happy one year watever this is. my hand is smiling. u should get that.
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[24 Dec 2004|09:41pm] |
so its xmas eve and i cant help but scream and show off matt's little present. god i could kill him it's so gorgeous. took forever to find his jersey but now im good freinds with the merch guy for shadow's fall...well kinda after a thousand fone calls. anyway my gift cant compare to his but i guess its the thought that counts. and we look forward to more xmasses to come, and we hav our own ornament to show for it. "our first christmas". well we made it all the way to xmas, something ive never done with anyone. and the day after xmas it will be a year since we started this whole affair. crazy.
best gift ever. best guy ever.
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| happy yule and peace on earth. |
[23 Dec 2004|11:56pm] |
so i'm honestly recovering from our two day trip to disneyland. i know i sound so pansy but honestly we spent like some 26 hours in the park over two days, which realistically means like 20 hours of walking. all of these festivities were dedicated to ringing in mike's 21st in the best way posssible, acting like total kids. Spent sunday nite with matty. left his bed at 2, asleep by 3...o y and awake by 5. ew. zombie for the most part of two days, (a condition i shared with Dyl, who had insomnia the night before as well and barely acquired what little sleep i had managed). park hopped. found out I'm tinkerbell, or so says the little machine. i cant decide if thats good or bad. somehow they got me on the tower of terror where i nearly took dyl's arm off. our picture was censored because of "content", i suppose meaning that someone did something naught in the picture. since we were on with only families we assumed it was us and we didnt know it. everyone blamed dylan and i, but we accept no responsiblity. two gaping hotel rooms to crash in and everyone in their own bed, cept for two of us in one ridiculously large king, didnt even know i was in the bed with someone else, till i woke up didnt kno where i am and thought it was matt. laughs were had. our feet told us no to waking up early so we didnt force them. in the park for day two around 11. we had such a productive day the day before that we decided not to argue with our screaming bodies. dylan and i were grateful since we were at the point of insanity by 5pm the first day. the east coast girls got their fix of socal and disney. got to bond wiht my laurie and emmi again. cant wait for the mammoth excursion. kevin ended up catchin up with us the second day. glad to have him. fell in love with fireworks and soap snow. beautiful. ending the night more or less with sexy dancing at disneyland with my lover michael. ridiculous fun. missed my matty. well tomorrow's xmas. would really love peace on earth. love to all. o ya and here are some pictures.
 
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| CLOSER. |
[08 Dec 2004|08:50pm] |
I was awakened the other morning at 8:48 AM by a text that read "I can't take my eyes off of you". You know who it was from. I'm a lucky lucky girl....enjoy these:
And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...
And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We'll both forget the breeze
Most of the time
And so it is
The colder water
The blower's daughter
The pupil in denial
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...
Did I say that I loathe you?
Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind?
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind...
My mind...my mind...
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| scribbles in the margins. |
[08 Dec 2004|12:23am] |
feeling uncreative, thought i'd post these. cant remember writing them.
gripping to every second
only to hold it in your chest,
inhaled intoxication makes causes trembles
afraid i'll never get to smile this hard again.
when kisses are unending
but never quench the need,
a touch that leaves me wanting,
mere moments after we part.
this hunger could last a lifetime,
a perfect famish for a stray,
but past can be neglected,
for a future unmeasurable
and once thought impossible.
so now free to dream what dreams may come,
impossibility defeated, makes everyday miracles like your eyes.
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| no thanks, thanksgiving.... |
[05 Dec 2004|07:35pm] |
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I have a now long-standing silence with my livejournal, which i've decided to remedy, if only superficially. so i dont even wanna talk about thanksgiving. because if you were at mine you would all just say to yourlselves how sad mine was and how you feel bad for me. i hate that. so ive elected not to tell the tale just to say this; i believe that a wise person once said that without torture and pain, passion, and abnormalcy there would be no inspiration for talent. if i was normal, or lived a normal life, and or childhood in any way shape or form, i would not be talented at all. If talent is proportional to the bizarre and torturous events that surround your life then i'll just simply state that im grateful for my abnormal and sometimes shitty family and circumstance, for i will be thanking you when i get my oscar. been grinning and bearing it the past couple days, coming to the realization that uci seems to be mym resting place for the rest of the year. pending a reprieval from somewhere i wont name for superstitious reasons. but as of yet, im hammering out my winter quarter schedule and am none too happy about it. ill live tho, i always do. besides i think that people are starting to grow more and more accustomed to white fur and vintage jewelry. my shitty mood carried over from thanksgiving and residency and got me in some tiffs with him this weekend; those im really regretful of since i already dont see him as much as id like (although i begin to miss him the moment i leave him arms so i dont know what amount of seeing him would ever satisfy) so i hate seemingly wasting time fighting over semantics and hypothetics. i woke up this morning to the sound of rain on the roof and windows of a strange house, but i was burried in une mille feulles of blankets, quilts and various objects needed to shun the cold from our make-shift bed. i woke up this morning for the second morning in a row in his arms. The make-shift bed was hardly a match for the warmth of his arms all night. i dont think he let go once. the rain falling and the cold exterior made everything a la winter romance. the sound and smells of christmas in the air make me somewhat uneasy and my stomach did flips as we ventured a walk through the mall, believe it or not a first time occurance for us. the cause of my nerves lying in the fact that ive never been with someone for the holidays. something about the cold christmas air, makes boys a bit squeemish. its not that i havent gotten close, breakups in late november, reconcilling shortly after dec. 25th, but no none of them on christmas itself. and very very few for the new year. so i was told this morning that we started our affair at the whiskey on last. dec. 26th. well my love i gave you all the time i could....as close to a year as i could. haha well we jest about how time is running out and how he should be leaving shortly as is tradition, but we both know i'm safe, and that those nerves in my stomach summoned by christmas carols are just the product of conditioning by past assholes, mere memories. its unfair to compare any old holiday feeling to what i have now, they are a thing of christmas past, like ghosts, and HE is real. i anticipate many more rainy mornings in bed, and i suppose a christmas or two.
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[22 Nov 2004|02:38pm] |
Obladi oblada life goes on bra
Lala how the life goes on
Obladi oblada life goes on bra
Lala how the life goes on.
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[14 Nov 2004|10:54pm] |
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i'm sick. eww. laying in bed doing tons of thining. God i'm so in love it hurts.
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[12 Nov 2004|06:34pm] |
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cooking dinner right now for the three month anniversary. i swear im not kidding. wanted to try something domestic and so far no horrible maming or any accidents. im sure ive spoken too soon. but ive got candles, a vintage table cloth, french jazz, and shrimp. i think i got it under control. just waiting for my love to arrive. ill fill in the rest later mes amis.
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[11 Nov 2004|01:03am] |
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the love of my life is having a bad night. so hes all that i can think of right now. i want him in my arms right now. but instead i hafta keep 5 drunk flatmates undercontrol. quite and undertaking. shit one just got loose and
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| sad people. |
[08 Nov 2004|05:19pm] |
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i swear to god i cant believe im even writing an entry about this but i cant help but send a little message to sad people for shits and giggles. so everyone knows the story of my lover and his psycho ex. i mean this is a well known tale if ur my buddy or even know him. the extent of her madness reaches far and wide so we all are caught up. matt and i have been together and very seriously for that matter for a long time now. im not gonna make this a proving ground by revealing any really intimiate details of conversations or moments or anythign like that im just gonna say if u know me, u know its fuckin real. no questions asked. so u would think that after all of time people would let things go, grow up even, or for god's sake do somethign else with their lives. alas they have not. i still recieve sad little anonymous comments from angry people tellin me that im unloved. this whole thing is so ridiculous and they chose to do it about my BIRTHDAY entry. so sad. if ud like a glimpse into this go look at my birthday entry a couple entries bak and read the last comment. that is the shit they think gets to me. this is so sad. matt and i just laugh at these sad little notes but im so sick of them so just get off it. matt and i are together, in love, for real...watever u wanna call it, it's not goin anywhere especially not for some jealous feeble attacks etc. get a new obsession.
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[02 Nov 2004|11:57pm] |
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This is a sad day. Paris is looking more more inviting every day.
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beyond_solace's journal
