urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:beyond_solace Beyond Solace You Make Me Wanna... 2005-04-02T22:17:00Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:beyond_solace:36445 2005-04-02T22:17:00Z 2005-04-02T22:17:00Z why is a raven like a writing desk? fell down a rabbit hole of monotony and greenery where i'd wonder the winding path to get to the cold wood awaiting me. foreign voices filled my head with talk of cartesian nothing and sicietal pathology ironically reprodicing in front of our very eyes. this so-called metropolis, riddled with the monocromatic holds my hand as i try to drown the quiet out with portable technology. decision peeks and my escape route is planned to the sign on the hills that could hold all my dreams with promise. i have the fear that i will drown in the serene after my heels get stuck in the grass. one more look for the bizarre and the compliment might fade into insecurity. so here i stand two roads in the wood, i chose my path, i need to hold on until i can see the stars as brightly as in my dreams. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:beyond_solace:35894 2005-02-24T02:11:27Z 2005-02-24T02:11:27Z ok ok i admit it, im sick. everyone's go the flu, and inevitably apparently i do as well. im dyin to do yoga or something but im afraid ill pass out and b in bed for days, stranding me in irivne ( a fate id rather not suffer). i've got a craving for performance, gotta remedy that. good valentine's day all in all. sushi, flowers, beautiful song, and my ipod thingy that plays my ipod in my car speakers (yikes im soo psyched for that one!). planning a disneyland trip for matty at moi as a makeup for a somewhat muddled anniversary. o here's my vay bouquet, gorgeous no?<br /><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v227/ifyoucanthaveme/vdayflowers.jpg"> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:beyond_solace:35728 2005-02-14T07:22:04Z 2005-02-14T07:22:04Z it's been a very long time since i've LJ'd. although i find that i have very little reason to keep these up anymore, not that things have slowed down for me in any way but still. right now i'm currently apartment hunting for summer for matty and i. i keep fantasizing about this gorgeous building he found, im not exaggerating these apartments are the Plaza of apartments...they're unbelievably lavish and gorgeous. we're not sure if we'd rather find soemthing more reasonable and save some money for future prospects...so who knows where we'll go. we really want ocean views tho so santa monica is looking grand. personally im jsut excited to decorate everything, i mean it's gonna be GORGEOUS. but this is all up in the air since i need to make money. i have an interview with M.A.C. cosmetics to be a makeup artist for them down in newport. but my new dream is to be a disney princess but i just missed auditions on the last weekend of jan. soooo i gotta wait til april. haha im so serious i think this would b fun! can u imagine? ok im recovering from my weekend and im getting sick. got a flyer today about the Chaminade play. cant wait i miss paula despereately and all my nade friends as well (i hope ur all hangin on without us) teehee. matty and i attempted disneyland for the 6 month anniversary(can u believe its already 6 months officially, i mean honestly we've been together sooo long but i mean i remember when we'd been togetehr for 7 months and we started over with the count cuz we made it official, so really its a year and a month but who's counting) on sat. but we ended up talkin all through friday night until 11am so we postponed the happy trip. tomorrow is vday and i hope matty has some suprises for me, im kinda in need of them. im getting sick for sure. ouch to the throat and nasty cough. im just aiming to stay out of the hospital for a week. out to wig shop tomorrow. i have a craving for the pink wig in "closer". love to all. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:beyond_solace:35510 2005-01-23T05:42:42Z 2005-01-23T05:42:42Z I think Damien Rice says it best...<br />I've got so much beauty around me I can't move<br />I've got so much beauty around me I can't loose<br />I've got so much beauty around me I can't choose<br />I've got so much beauty around me, around you<br /><br />four days in irvine with him. the routine and laundry felt warm and comfortable. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:beyond_solace:35243 2005-01-12T20:12:09Z 2005-01-12T20:12:09Z 5 months pour monsieur LeBrun et moi! c'est magnifique, n'est pas? <br />so i reach into the depths of that little yellow lyrc book i keep....all the way back to when this started, for real, in the beginning it was august.<br />looking back it all seems so wrong, <br />all that pain, all those tears,<br />all for you but hardly to notice,<br />not to be bothered by reality or was it just mine?<br />so you devised a disappearing act<br />i swear i would have let you go,<br />too tired to hold you disgusted in my embrace,<br />i swear i didn't mean to, blind you <br />with sand or suffocate you in the sheets.<br />something in the stars that night<br />stold breath from my mouth to your ears.<br />no dirty tricks, just a three-worded heart<br />that was breaking beyond repair,<br />and so i knew and cried that night, to learn to let you go<br />i htought i saw the words behind the look i'd seen so often lately,<br />so just jump, from that balcony, we got a second-chance.<br /><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v227/ifyoucanthaveme/nadoview3.jpg"> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:beyond_solace:34837 2005-01-10T06:05:23Z 2005-01-10T06:57:48Z okay so for those of you who are sick of my love entries, skip this, or rather read on to know that the reason most of my updates are about him, or us rather, is that that's what im emotional about and therefore that's what my stupid emo journal is for. so mammoth happened annually as predicted, although the change on the menu was no parents...atleast not after the first night. that house is way too big and scary at night but ill get into that a little later. the little girls got themselves into thiry year-old trouble lurking behind the shower door. o michael how smart you were with your prediction. hillarious. i know i promised matty that my life with friends was scripted, and so i was proven correct. as i said the house was big big so we all spread out into our own little rooms, but matty's and i's had a bad vibe so like the hippie i am i had to leave it for the night. he was so good to come wiht me downstairs and talk the night away until 7 AM about everything and nothing. watched america's sweethearts twice, but really didnt watch at all i suppose. woke up wondering how i'd live the rest of my life without the use of my right arm, or an equally frightning and similar experience, without matt. cant survive, no arm, cant survive, no matt. drunk sometimes. actualy got matty singing showtunes like the closetted theatre kid that i am. i think he was singing a variation of "so long, farewell" from The Sound Of Music, but i wont go into too much embarassing detail. michael as usual scared the locals with his vibrant-self. thought i would freeze to death on multiple occasions, actually pondered who would attend my funeral and who would simply send something just to be polite. last night up there was hell, but had a purpose. my eyes were very very swollen as were matty's but i've never felt more loved and scared all at the same time by morning. milliions of dvd's later we're on our way back from never never land. many episodes of sex and the city were watched after a fabulous dinner he cooked for me a few nights back. always so sad to leave, always waiting until the last possible moment. intense and beautiful conversation and future fantasy. meant the world to me. was back again to see him pack up after id packed my life (acutally only half, i've begun to downsize) into suitcases and loaded them up for the drive tomorrow. felt the tears welling up as i held him goodbye, thinkin of our talk of that intesity, and how a squeeze, no matter how long and hard, will never be enough to quench it. felt so silly as rain and tears spilled down my face as i left. i kno nothing's going to change, im just a selfish little girl who misses my close-distance relationship when im away at school. and so the thing i have to look forward to now is more nights in eachother's little tiny beds and the thought of a future with one great big one. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:beyond_solace:34696 2005-01-07T05:43:52Z 2005-01-07T05:43:52Z all's well. back from mammoth. winter wonderland pictures to come. we conquered matty in mammoth, i caught him singing showtunes. forced matty to see phantom today, plus romantique, n'est pas? simultaneous conclusion: dangerously in love, o yes both of us. on the search for legitimacy and a future...can't wait. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:beyond_solace:34513 2004-12-27T03:23:31Z 2004-12-27T03:23:31Z this whole life started a year ago today, in a dark room with screaming music, at the whiskey a-go-go. look how far we've come. look how far we're going. i love you. happy one year watever this is. my hand is smiling. u should get that. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:beyond_solace:34127 2004-12-25T05:50:48Z 2004-12-25T05:56:19Z so its xmas eve and i cant help but scream and show off matt's little present. god i could kill him it's so gorgeous. took forever to find his jersey but now im good freinds with the merch guy for shadow's fall...well kinda after a thousand fone calls. anyway my gift cant compare to his but i guess its the thought that counts. and we look forward to more xmasses to come, and we hav our own ornament to show for it. "our first christmas". well we made it all the way to xmas, something ive never done with anyone. and the day after xmas it will be a year since we started this whole affair. crazy. <br /><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v227/ifyoucanthaveme/xmascaitmattclose.jpg"><br /><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v227/ifyoucanthaveme/xmascaitmatt.jpg"><br />best gift ever. best guy ever.<br /><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v227/ifyoucanthaveme/ring.jpg"> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:beyond_solace:33858 2004-12-24T08:24:19Z 2004-12-24T09:05:20Z so i'm honestly recovering from our two day trip to disneyland. i know i sound so pansy but honestly we spent like some 26 hours in the park over two days, which realistically means like 20 hours of walking. all of these festivities were dedicated to ringing in mike's 21st in the best way posssible, acting like total kids. Spent sunday nite with matty. left his bed at 2, asleep by 3...o y and awake by 5. ew. zombie for the most part of two days, (a condition i shared with Dyl, who had insomnia the night before as well and barely acquired what little sleep i had managed). park hopped. found out I'm tinkerbell, or so says the little machine. i cant decide if thats good or bad. somehow they got me on the tower of terror where i nearly took dyl's arm off. our picture was censored because of "content", i suppose meaning that someone did something naught in the picture. since we were on with only families we assumed it was us and we didnt know it. everyone blamed dylan and i, but we accept no responsiblity. two gaping hotel rooms to crash in and everyone in their own bed, cept for two of us in one ridiculously large king, didnt even know i was in the bed with someone else, till i woke up didnt kno where i am and thought it was matt. laughs were had. our feet told us no to waking up early so we didnt force them. in the park for day two around 11. we had such a productive day the day before that we decided not to argue with our screaming bodies. dylan and i were grateful since we were at the point of insanity by 5pm the first day. the east coast girls got their fix of socal and disney. got to bond wiht my laurie and emmi again. cant wait for the mammoth excursion. kevin ended up catchin up with us the second day. glad to have him. fell in love with fireworks and soap snow. beautiful. ending the night more or less with sexy dancing at disneyland with my lover michael. ridiculous fun. missed my matty. well tomorrow's xmas. would really love peace on earth. love to all. o ya and here are some pictures.<br /><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v227/ifyoucanthaveme/disneysmallworldgroup.jpg"><br /><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v227/ifyoucanthaveme/disneyride2.jpg"><br /><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v227/ifyoucanthaveme/disneydylcait.jpg"><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v227/ifyoucanthaveme/disneymickeygroup.jpg"><br /><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v227/ifyoucanthaveme/disneyalicehouse.jpg"><br /><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v227/ifyoucanthaveme/disneydylsleep.jpg"><br /><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v227/ifyoucanthaveme/disneycastle3.jpg"> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:beyond_solace:33561 2004-12-09T04:52:19Z 2004-12-09T04:52:19Z I was awakened the other morning at 8:48 AM by a text that read "I can't take my eyes off of you". You know who it was from. I'm a lucky lucky girl....enjoy these:<br /><br />And so it is<br />Just like you said it would be<br />Life goes easy on me<br />Most of the time<br />And so it is<br />The shorter story<br />No love, no glory<br />No hero in her sky<br /><br />I can't take my eyes off of you<br />I can't take my eyes off you<br />I can't take my eyes off of you<br />I can't take my eyes off you<br />I can't take my eyes off you<br />I can't take my eyes...<br /><br />And so it is<br />Just like you said it should be<br />We'll both forget the breeze<br />Most of the time<br />And so it is<br />The colder water<br />The blower's daughter<br />The pupil in denial<br /><br />I can't take my eyes off of you<br />I can't take my eyes off you<br />I can't take my eyes off of you<br />I can't take my eyes off you<br />I can't take my eyes off you<br />I can't take my eyes...<br /><br />Did I say that I loathe you?<br />Did I say that I want to<br />Leave it all behind?<br /><br />I can't take my mind off of you<br />I can't take my mind off you<br />I can't take my mind off of you<br />I can't take my mind off you<br />I can't take my mind off you<br />I can't take my mind...<br />My mind...my mind... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:beyond_solace:33407 2004-12-08T08:37:16Z 2004-12-08T08:37:16Z feeling uncreative, thought i'd post these. cant remember writing them. <br />gripping to every second <br />only to hold it in your chest,<br />inhaled intoxication makes causes trembles<br />afraid i'll never get to smile this hard again.<br />when kisses are unending<br />but never quench the need,<br />a touch that leaves me wanting,<br />mere moments after we part.<br />this hunger could last a lifetime,<br />a perfect famish for a stray,<br />but past can be neglected,<br />for a future unmeasurable<br />and once thought impossible. <br />so now free to dream what dreams may come,<br />impossibility defeated, makes everyday miracles like your eyes. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:beyond_solace:33238 2004-12-06T03:58:21Z 2004-12-06T03:58:21Z I have a now long-standing silence with my livejournal, which i've decided to remedy, if only superficially. so i dont even wanna talk about thanksgiving. because if you were at mine you would all just say to yourlselves how sad mine was and how you feel bad for me. i hate that. so ive elected not to tell the tale just to say this; i believe that a wise person once said that without torture and pain, passion, and abnormalcy there would be no inspiration for talent. if i was normal, or lived a normal life, and or childhood in any way shape or form, i would not be talented at all. If talent is proportional to the bizarre and torturous events that surround your life then i'll just simply state that im grateful for my abnormal and sometimes shitty family and circumstance, for i will be thanking you when i get my oscar. been grinning and bearing it the past couple days, coming to the realization that uci seems to be mym resting place for the rest of the year. pending a reprieval from somewhere i wont name for superstitious reasons. but as of yet, im hammering out my winter quarter schedule and am none too happy about it. ill live tho, i always do. besides i think that people are starting to grow more and more accustomed to white fur and vintage jewelry. my shitty mood carried over from thanksgiving and residency and got me in some tiffs with him this weekend; those im really regretful of since i already dont see him as much as id like (although i begin to miss him the moment i leave him arms so i dont know what amount of seeing him would ever satisfy) so i hate seemingly wasting time fighting over semantics and hypothetics. i woke up this morning to the sound of rain on the roof and windows of a strange house, but i was burried in une mille feulles of blankets, quilts and various objects needed to shun the cold from our make-shift bed. i woke up this morning for the second morning in a row in his arms. The make-shift bed was hardly a match for the warmth of his arms all night. i dont think he let go once. the rain falling and the cold exterior made everything a la winter romance. the sound and smells of christmas in the air make me somewhat uneasy and my stomach did flips as we ventured a walk through the mall, believe it or not a first time occurance for us. the cause of my nerves lying in the fact that ive never been with someone for the holidays. something about the cold christmas air, makes boys a bit squeemish. its not that i havent gotten close, breakups in late november, reconcilling shortly after dec. 25th, but no none of them on christmas itself. and very very few for the new year. so i was told this morning that we started our affair at the whiskey on last. dec. 26th. well my love i gave you all the time i could....as close to a year as i could. haha well we jest about how time is running out and how he should be leaving shortly as is tradition, but we both know i'm safe, and that those nerves in my stomach summoned by christmas carols are just the product of conditioning by past assholes, mere memories. its unfair to compare any old holiday feeling to what i have now, they are a thing of christmas past, like ghosts, and HE is real. i anticipate many more rainy mornings in bed, and i suppose a christmas or two. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:beyond_solace:32862 2004-11-22T22:41:21Z 2004-11-22T22:41:21Z Obladi oblada life goes on bra<br />Lala how the life goes on<br />Obladi oblada life goes on bra<br />Lala how the life goes on. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:beyond_solace:32662 2004-11-16T22:07:27Z 2004-11-16T22:07:27Z bored and feelin kinda vain i suppose. these are old. <br /><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v227/ifyoucanthaveme/bwguitar.jpg"><br /><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v227/ifyoucanthaveme/bwsexyeyes.jpg"><br /><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v227/ifyoucanthaveme/bwguitareye.jpg"> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:beyond_solace:32461 2004-11-15T06:55:07Z 2004-11-15T06:55:07Z i'm sick. eww. laying in bed doing tons of thining. God i'm so in love it hurts. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:beyond_solace:32169 2004-11-13T02:36:08Z 2004-11-13T02:36:08Z cooking dinner right now for the three month anniversary. i swear im not kidding. wanted to try something domestic and so far no horrible maming or any accidents. im sure ive spoken too soon. but ive got candles, a vintage table cloth, french jazz, and shrimp. i think i got it under control. just waiting for my love to arrive. ill fill in the rest later mes amis. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:beyond_solace:31790 2004-11-11T09:04:17Z 2004-11-11T09:04:17Z the love of my life is having a bad night. so hes all that i can think of right now. i want him in my arms right now. but instead i hafta keep 5 drunk flatmates undercontrol. quite and undertaking. shit one just got loose and urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:beyond_solace:31540 2004-11-09T01:27:12Z 2004-11-09T01:27:12Z i swear to god i cant believe im even writing an entry about this but i cant help but send a little message to sad people for shits and giggles. so everyone knows the story of my lover and his psycho ex. i mean this is a well known tale if ur my buddy or even know him. the extent of her madness reaches far and wide so we all are caught up. matt and i have been together and very seriously for that matter for a long time now. im not gonna make this a proving ground by revealing any really intimiate details of conversations or moments or anythign like that im just gonna say if u know me, u know its fuckin real. no questions asked. so u would think that after all of time people would let things go, grow up even, or for god's sake do somethign else with their lives. alas they have not. i still recieve sad little anonymous comments from angry people tellin me that im unloved. this whole thing is so ridiculous and they chose to do it about my BIRTHDAY entry. so sad. if ud like a glimpse into this go look at my birthday entry a couple entries bak and read the last comment. that is the shit they think gets to me. this is so sad. matt and i just laugh at these sad little notes but im so sick of them so just get off it. matt and i are together, in love, for real...watever u wanna call it, it's not goin anywhere especially not for some jealous feeble attacks etc. get a new obsession. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:beyond_solace:31420 2004-11-03T07:59:08Z 2004-11-03T07:59:08Z This is a sad day. Paris is looking more more inviting every day. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:beyond_solace:30990 2004-10-29T01:16:30Z 2004-10-29T01:16:30Z so the usual diva's christmas had not yet arrived but i would like to thank my love kevy for extending i loving invite for the weekend up to sb and paint the town...pink. anyway although i cant go due to other arrangements and a cold i just wanted to take a moment and tell kevy how much i love and truly miss him. honestly thinkin of u soo much that you got a whole post to yourself!1 love you adn keep in touch about the play so we can coordinate and stuff. much love. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:beyond_solace:30836 2004-10-27T05:30:45Z 2004-10-27T05:30:45Z okay so halloween is one of my favorite holidays and i have a wonderful little ensemble picked out already a la britney spears school girl so i need a couple of parties to attend this weekend...and since i go to school in irivine (devoid of such wild extravaganzas) i need to be informed of some serious parties this weekend. so please feel free to giv the 411 on the raging fete's goin down. thanks to all...it's a crusade, so unless you want this party girl to lose her edge lets get me out and about again. love you all. <br /><br />ps. everyone applaud France's progression. they've just aired a brand new Tv. station known as PINK TV. it's the first all-gay tv station to air. their motto is ""Il n'y pas que le sexe dans la vie" (There's more to life than sex). in this case, i agree. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:beyond_solace:30668 2004-10-25T06:46:17Z 2004-10-25T06:46:17Z His. so all in all a birthday that made me think to myself...wow people really love me. my birthday began thursday night when my dear gal-pals, Liz, Monica, Lex and Saya all lied through their teeth to me to get me into a pair of heels and a dress to go to "the cheesecake factory" for what should have been a relaxing evening and dinner. Instead the kidnapped me to the happiest place on earth, that's right DISNEYLAND. seriously such a good move on their part since ive been bitching about disneyland forever and i wanna go soooooooooo(not enough o's much). so we had a rainy dinner inside the Raiforest Cafe in Downtown Disney. We got me a giant crown and i got bad pick-up lines all night from the disneyland imployees and such. actually rather than think that disneyland workers are pervy im gonna assume that there's just no way to comment on a girl turning 18 other than to sound, well...perverted. comments like "so how old are you" and i'd reply "18", they'd say things like "OH YA? good year?" or "NICE." it all just sounded dirty. but i had an amazing evening with my lovely suitmates and i couldn't have asked for a better surprise or more wonderful people to spend it with. Came home friday to hang around home with the family but really ran around all day with mum gettin beauty shit done. eyebrows, nails, waxing etc. shit ive been avoiding since ive gone away to school and yes yes felt like i needed some maintenance. Now saturday was the real deal birthday and ofcourse i did what i love, slept in. then matty woke me up with a good moring happy birthday phone call (as well as some midnite callers ie. michael and lex love you guys for wakin me up) and then some fruit tarte with the family then on to matty's for the birthday "extravaganza" as he called it i think. so he picked out this fabulous card that was "so him" for lack of a better term that read "My love, the groove of you hearbeat is my favorite song", hillarious no? and im not jokin that was actually ready-printed IN the card!!! anyway the card was accompanied by a "gow-a-boyfriend" joke toy that was liek something you put in water and it grows. again hillarious. okay then came this totally beautiful fairy statue-like figuirine. sooo pretty it's like sparkly and delicate. noone ever gives me little girly pretty things. i love it sooo much. it made it extra cute too since he said he picked the one he thought looked like me. so cute. i always tell him that his eyes look like fairy eyes to me, so he added "a fairy from you fairy". perfect. Then the best part...matt sang me a song he wrote just for me. this is something ive wanted forever, a loving song just for me adn i couldnt believe he was goin to actually sing just to me...hes always so shy about that. god this meant the world to me. as i sat and listened i could barely look into his eyes since i was ready to cry after one chorus. it was so beautiful. i swear to god i was holding back tears. i wanna marry this kid. i swear i love him more than i can explain. the song just touched me so much, the lyrics were perfect...just...well, amazing. he then kidnapped me with two Saves the Day CD's that he suffered through just for me! can you imagine? haha and he drove me to a japanese garden which was having a wedding so he was foiled in his plans and we went to backup plan and a park with a beautiful lake. we walked along it and sat for hours by the water on a little bench. i dont know where the time went, it was spooky. i was so relaxed and happy in his arms just doing nohting, just enjoyin the moment, corny i kno, but enjoyin life. So this old couple passes us and the girl is way way shorter and the guy is way taller and obviously we look at each other and laugh and he says "look honey it's us", and then tells me hes gonna tell them we're engaged and wanna grow old together just liek them! i restrain him with a couple of kisses but the couple smiles at us as they pass. on to dinner with the parents at Adagio with wonderful food. it was so great to see my parents and matt and i finally interacting lol. loved the hand-holding under the table. then he had planned to take me to 3rd streeet where we'd ride the ferris-wheel and he wanted to pay the guy to stop it at the top, but we decided to jsut spend time together instead. went bak to the dorms wehre i made him play me my song again and yes i felt tears well up in my eyes all over again. as long as i live, ill never forget that moment, watching him say everything ive ever watned to hear in lyrics. i swear there's no way to actually ever thank him for everything he did for me. it was all so thoughtful so caring. ugh okay i hafta stop because i cant explain how beautiful or amazing this song was, but its stuck in my head so that's a feet in itself. fight club in the dorm since ive never seen it and we were both so exhausted that we fell asleep like and old couple really quite early. slept till like one. waking up with him, god its my favorite time...his too he said. then i was sooooooo excited to see matty on his radioshow he does every sunday with chris and scottie. he was so hillarious i mean i swear i kno i sound biased but matty has really found his niche on this radio thing. i mean hes hillarious, so quick u know? ugh i loved being there and i was sooooo proud of him! a thousand thankyou's and i love you's later i needed some sleep. so i kissed my love goodbye and now im so tired i just want sleep. but as usual im gonna miss wakin up with him. bak to irvine tomorrow i miss the girls. midterms too...ewww. im a grown-up now or so they tell me, but yes...i still say "eww". Aurevior mes amis et croire en les miracles d'amour, ils arrivent. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:beyond_solace:30231 2004-10-18T05:30:56Z 2004-10-18T05:48:23Z came home from school for the weekend as usual, yet managed to not spend one night, or even day at home until tonite, sunday, for those of you that aren't paying attention. didn't come home on thursday for one reason or another. visited with michael gregory, from mammoth, for like an hour at his house on balboa island. took saya along who was great company and support. god knows its hard being alone in a house with a guy who's been in love with you (and still is, mind you!) since the night he met you over four years ago. i was cordial, he mostly stared at me and we mostly discussed my future hypothetical-life with the love of my life. saya could barely hold it in til we got outside "omg he is so in love with you". lol im sure he heard but it was hillarious and true but that's irrelevant. drove howm friday day, shitty drive with some traffic but got here alive so fine. friday night with matty, adam my love, and his love Cory at matty's house (since his rents were away on holiday). Got hammered. Lotsa of sex, and then something really kinky. note to self: i need to think of new kinky things to do. i think i ejoy them more than i remembered. slept til like 2 together, enjoyin every lovely inch of our Non-dorm-sized bed. slept the day away since i then made plans to accompany matty to une autre fete that night. got up went home, showered, came back liek 3 hours later...totally pointless. another night of drinking. so some arguments and girlish tears later and im still as in love as ever just sorry for stuff. slept late again together, due to the savoring the large bed explanation previously provided. matty, sean, and i on the couch watchin The Ring for the duration of the morning then rapid-fire clean-up before you-know-who came back home. decidedly no more drinking for a while due to too much arguing, crying, and hunger. dont wanna be like that. love things too much. love him too much. anyway all in all a good weekend since almost all of it was with him. home now until the AM when ill take off again for ugh. i miss lex, liz and saya but dont miss the OC. o well i think matty's gonna come and visit tomorrow night so i guess you could say i've been reprieved. over and out for now. o ya and u read this so...i love you, no words big enough kind of love you. and alas, im gonna not like sleepin alone tonite... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:beyond_solace:29961 2004-10-14T23:15:37Z 2004-10-14T23:15:37Z last night i sat down to get some issues out on paper, as i've so often done before. only i couldnt form anything that was anythign but shit on a page. it was frustrating but suddenly vindicating as i finally realized that panic that sean must hav felt when he no longer had anythign to bitch about on paper. no more fake emo tears to sum up into callous distortions. i looked bak at all teh lyrics, poetry, words taht filled up my book. painful, really good. but somehow stangely distant now. just like you know something is a part of who you are but now has kind of faded away. a scar that hurt so badly when you first recieved it but now is a numb mark faded to only some visibility. god im so in love. so this morning i was in his bed and he attempted to read this but i got shy and he gave up and said he'd read it later. now i feel guilty about this since i guess somwhere in my i want him to read my writing, even tho im embarrassed. my stupid recaps of times. letting my feeling bleed to the keys just flow. that's how i live, just to get it all down and out. i have nothing to hide, from anyone. noone will ever really know how deep that scar runs, i guess its all so simply in writing. all too simply put away now with one smile. trust me im not complaining, id stay like this forever if i could, in fact...